I want to preface this post with the caveat that I'm feeling really, really angry right now. Not necessarily about what I'm about to say, but angry no less. So, even I know that what's coming is probably not accurate and is likely just emotions. So, some salt.

Previously, I had applied for a manager opening in my own department. I was ultimately denied because I'm too important to the department in my current role (super geek). I've since come to believe that really they just don't think I'm capable of the management role. I have nothing to go on but my gut, which has rarely been correct. A bit more salt.

This week I found out that my role at work is changing. I'm still NOT getting promoted, but they are having me "lead" a bit of the department. No title change, no salary increase, no one actually reporting to me. Feels like just more work. It's being presented to me as an opportunity to see if it works and that there could be a management position in the future. The VP a couple weeks ago in my interview said she'd try to find a way to get me into management without taking me too far away from my technical depth. I myself am taking that with a HUGE grain of salt.

They did hire the guy the AVP wanted from the start to takeover NONE of the outgoing managers work (I get that stuff), but instead is taking over the super sexy, highly visible part of the department. Basically everything the other manager had. The AVP loves this guy. I'm a bit of used dental floss compared to this guy in her eyes. I'm gum on the bottom of her shoe. The itch in the middle of her back she can't reach. That's how it feels right now with all her gushing. Probably lots of salt here.

The AVP did say that I need to be careful with the team because I set a very high standard for myself and can't expect the same from the team. I would think that setting a high standard was good, but apparently that just means I "have no life." Her words.

My role is the be the "lead" of the biggest, newest, shiniest computer system for the division and our department. It is very visible across the company right now. So, not really chopped liver. I know it's not like they're just doing it to get me to shut up and do my job and stop trying to better myself. And other than the sickening gushing of the AVP, nothing bad has been said to me or about me. More salt.

I will admit that I'm feeling overwhelmed at present. Not about the responsibilities (cause I'll kick ***), but the lack of authority to go with this new role. Why would any of the people who I'm supposed to lead, listen to me even a little. The AVP would need to make the case to them, and that's something she's not shown to be very excited doing. So now I'm worried that I won't be able to delegate anything and end up doing it myself. Because I can. And then I'm back to being stuck.

Now here is my reality. No salt needed. I really, really want this position and the responsibilities that go with it. I want the new system and the people I'm leading to be successful and grow. I want the AVP and VP to be proud of me and be happy they made this decision. I know this is a great opportunity, that 2 weeks ago I didn't have. So, I know the universe is trying to align things for me and I have to let it.

This is where I would write the woe is me bit about how bad things are for me because... anxiety, the world is against me, A/VPs don't like me, whatever. And believe me my inner voice is doing a number on me. I just SO want to be happy and excited about this, but today now that it's been spelled out for the department, I'm feeling very gloomy.

Anyway, that's my updated situation. Thanks for making it this far, I was about to bail half way through.