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what if I hear the screams of the people I destroyed (even though I didnt) and my laughing and crying all at once about it.
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candistyx,
True "quietness" and "stillness" of the mind are accomplished by very few; i.e., some monks in monasteries and other religions. We can only try.
I'm very sorry that you are having so much trouble with intrusive thoughts.

Do you have a therapist?
My therapist and I have started very slowly with some meditation techniques; namely, breathing techniques to help me get rid of anxious thoughts, to "quieten" my mind. It takes work! And it does work (when I practice

)!
droopy