[Trigger]

When I was around 6 years old my mother fell into depression, she would scream at me, punish me for things out of my control and hurt me physically. Push me, slap me and pull my hair.
I told my father on the phone as he worked away, he spoke to my mother and she told him i was lying. The abuse got worse and i was punished for lying.
It carried on into my teens. When I was 13 I punched her back. She was shocked and she punished me even more. At age 15 I tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of medication I found in the cupboard. My father came home and found me unconscious and rushed me to the ER. They pumped my stomach and I had to stay in for a while. My mother refused to come and see me because I was dramatic and tried to ruin her. We then had to go see a family therapist. She warned me that if i told him anything stupid, i would be at fault for breaking apart our family so I didn't say anything.

At 19 I met a man who I fell in love with. For the first few months things were amazing. He felt like my closest friend. He started to become angry and jealous of everything I did. Accuse me of cheating and looking at other men, he started to become physical, would punish me in strange ways if he thought that I was cheating. Strip me naked and drag me outside and lock the door. Make me give him oral sex until I vomited and taking away all my belongings and make me leave to walk home without shoes.
People started noticing the bruises, the black eyes and i would often cry at work when he texted me constantly with abuse about how disgusting I was.
He would push opiates on me.. when I was high he would put drugs on my naked body, and take pictures and videos of me and show his friends.
It went on for 4 years until he attacked me in public, biting my face and body. The police were involved and pressed charges and I never spoke to him again but was deeply heartbroken about losing him.

4 years ago I met my fiancee. In the first year, things were amazing. Then he started to lie and hide things and if I got upset he would tell me I was crazy. He sometimes drags me into closets when im upset about the lies and tells me I can come out when im calm.
When I fell pregnant with our 3rd he spent all of our money and left me and the kids with nothing. I got angry, he reacted in such a rage. He kicked me up my backside and damaged my tail bone, he slapped me and slammed my head against the wall. He continues to disrespect me but in a very different way to my ex. He says he cant live without me and I cannot bring myself to break up with him. He said he will disappear if i do.
My anxiety is so high now, I'm not sure i can live without him either.
[Trigger]

I don't think il ever know a life without abuse and anxiety. I feel completely used up and worthless. :'( I would do anything to be normal.