Quote:
Originally Posted by TrailRunner14
Thank you so much for your reply!! I hope you do well with your studies. Time management is not my gift either. It's very hard for me to focus on something for the long stretch.
There was a light bulb that came on when I posted here earlier. Disorganized attachment. Man. I tell ya what. I hate those two words!!! I don't think the normal person, who hasn't walked through it, would understand the damage, and I will venture to say, devastation, that those two words contain. Thank you for hearing me.
I am most grateful for dissociation for the part of protection and safety it was and is for me. Until I grow into myself, I'm sure it will be there, on guard and ready to step in when it feels it's needed.
I pray for a time that it's not needed and it can be my friend and ally, not the bouncer it feels like it has to be right now that zips me with no warning.
A question from earlier is still on my mind. I think a part of me has held on to it. It's a bit disturbing to that part.
What if you (I can't quote it verbatim) realized your other parts were no more?
That is my question. What if you woke up and all of your other parts we not there? Would you feel lost or would you feel free?
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I used to have these same fears but I found out that for my location and my culture and for me there was no such thing as alters being no more...
let me show you what I mean...
before being abused a child has all their emotions, memories, feelings intact... they can cry when they need to, be happy, sad, excited, touch and feel things,... (evidence according to my location is go to any place where children are and watch the under 5 year old children play, express their emotions, use their words (or not in some cases )
then extreme trauma happened to me... what was one whole person in the example above got separated to where the trauma's and anything associated to my trauma's were dissociated and formed what was my alters.
then I grew up this way with these alters taking control anytime there was something triggering to me that I could not handle, they handled/ took care of those things for me...
then through therapy and working on all my problems each of the alters sense of agency (job, purpose reason for being created, what they took care of...) was no longer needed. they did not die or go away. they just merged together with me to form that one whole person we all were before the trauma's happened.
an example that is used in my location is taking a cold glass of water. put half in another container and add trauma (heat it up, dont boil just heat it to where it is warmer than the cold water.) then add it back to the cold water again. its still all there, nothing left or got rid of, it just mixed together to form that one whole glass of water is was to start with.
my point if at some point your alters are integrating they will all still be there just in a different way. the same way they were before all the trauma's happened as part of you as one whole person again. you will have access to all the memories, emotions and feelings and all that they were because its all back to being one whole person again.
to answer your question when I realized my alters were integrated/ merged together with me I was very happy. it was like not feeling empty or anything was missing, for the first time in forever I felt whole, I felt less like a passenger and more like hey this is my life and it felt great.
granted there were times of confusion because for the first time there was no dissociating when handling things that otherwise triggered me, I had to learn what emotions were and how to express them, I had to learn how to self nurture / self care rather than an alter taking care of me. the first time I experienced a full range of emotions I was on the phone with my therapist asking hey is this what anger is, wow different but good.
just trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to for you. and talk with your treatment provider. they will be able to explain to you what happens when you go through integration and what to do afterwords.