i've been a little absent from here... after seeing him on the day before thanksgiving, i was pretty wound up for a whole a week. i hadn't slept well at all tuesday night, and was coming home to nap after my iop... he was parked on my street, one house down... i saw him, he saw me, and i kept driving... i couldn't go home. i just couldn't...

i ended up going to the library, and walking around downtown for a while and then sat near the river and read for a little bit... problem is, that area is prevalent in my su plan, if/when i decide to do it. the thoughts/feelings are definitely there, and being downtown felt a little nice, but scary at the same time, but i do not have the intent at the moment.

i have seen him a couple times since then, but he hasn't gotten out of his car at all... while i am scared, it's almost like i have gone right back into survival mode autopilot... i don't know if that makes sense... he has done this before. i made it thru then, so why not now... i don't know...