For the last month I have been in a private hospital. Many times they have threatened to put me in a closed ward (Public not Private Hospital) but last night I came as close as I have ever been. Annoying thing is that I am fairly fine during the day but at night, round 6pm onwards, I get agitated, dissociated, severe SI, racing thoughts, PTSD flashbacks, disorganised thinking and other things.

So far I have managed to convince them I am safe enough to stay in the private hospital but last night they almost called my doctor to have me transferred. I am scared of the Public hopistal. I asked them to hit me with drugs so I could sleep it off and they did that.

This morning I feel ok but not as good as I have been most days lately so I am worried I will fall into a BIG hole this evening. I am scared of being locked up as I have PTSD and cannot stand being trapped but i guess if I am unsafe the best option is the locked ward. This episode has been hell. One month in and I am very unwell. This only adds to my despair. On the plus side I have discovered Spotify and been listening to music constantly.