Hope is a fickle *****....
Your story always feels so similar to mine. I recently seen a book the title was "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"
And I thought...thats my life. My marriage isn't terrible, but it's completely unsatisfying. I'm lonely and sad because my husband only puts in the minimal effort into life...and me. And the fact is....THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. That was the hardest lesson I learnt this year. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Why? Not because he is an evil soul sucker...
He can't see the problem. No matter how many times I explain it, how I describe it, he just doesn't get it. HE WILL NEVER GET IT. So now the big choice...stay in an unsatisfying marriage and make the most of it. And yes, there will be some happy times. But always an underlying sadness. Or risk it all for a chance at a happier life. It's scary...
Soooo scary...
It's like going all in....with a mediocre hand.
But let's talk about the guilt...if you continue on with your seperating and divorce, of course there will be feelings of guilt, regret at times, anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness. ..and...there can also be peace, happiness, content, love , desire, self awareness.
I went thru a period this past 6 months of anger. I was angry at my husband because I gave 120% to our marriage...and only ever got 20% back. I was angry because I wanted him to GET IT. Because he just needed to give a bit more and I could stay...and it never happened.I needed him to be a better man because I didn't want to have to leave. And he couldn't do it. And I hated him for it...
And after I felt all that anger....I accepted the fact that he can't change. So with the power of that knowledge...I now have to make the hardest decision of my life.
When I read your posts. I feel like...your hovering in the door way. In or out. You eventually have to decide girl...or your just blocking the door...and nothing good can get in :-) Take care