I'm sorry friend.
Something I've found to be true with my friends who bottle things up is that it will eventually find it's way out somehow.
Once I had a friend who never mourned the death of her friends she lost in a car accident. And one day she sees a bird that died because it hit a glass window and she had a fit over that little bird. Because it was those emotions coming out that she never let come out before.
I hope you are able to find a healthy way to express yourself, my friend.
All the best,
Stronger