Hello lions123: I'm sorry you are struggling with these difficult decisions. There are no easy answers here. So although I don't have any useful suggestions or advice for you, I would simply like to validate what you are feeling. From my perspective, I think you have every right to feel the way you do about the choices you are facing.

Quite a few years ago now I participated in a partial hospital program. One thing they told us was: "Don't should on yourself." It was good advice. I send hugs with the hope that you will be able to find your way through this most difficult decision-making process.