I'm having a hard time formulating this into the right words... maybe because I've never really talked about it before.

I don't think I've ever been normal. I never felt safe around people, as far back as I can remember. The more I think about it, the more I wonder what made me this way. Some part of me has a feeling that something bad happened to me before my memories start, but I don't think I'll ever know for sure. What I do know is my fear. I'm so afraid of so many things, and many for no reason. That has always been a part of me.

From when I was 16-21 I was in multiple abusive relationships. The men I ended up with would all tell me I was a horrible person, that I was a wreck who didn't deserve their love. I believed them, and I stayed with them because I knew nothing better. Eventually the emotional abuse evolved into physical abuse, and still I took it. Not only that, I accepted it as something I deserved. I don't know why I let them.

As I've become older, I've questioned how I ended up this way. The truth is, I still don't know. For a while I've wondered if my mother was to blame, she took me to so many doctors and had me put on meds at a young age. But I'm not sure I really can blame her.

I just wish I knew why, and could have a normal life. I'm so tired of feeling like the world is ending.