The 2nd time I tried(many years ago),at first I felt so shocked when I woke up,I wasn't sure if I had succeeded or not.I was lying there,looking around,and confused,wondering if I was dead or not.Thinking to myself "did I die and I am just a spirit now,here in the same place I was before?".I wasn't sure,everything looked kind of hazy and bright in the room and I couldn't think clearly.

I stayed where I was,lying on the bed,waiting,knowing I would eventually figure it out.Eventually the haze started lifting,things didn't look so bright,my head cleared and I realized I was not dead.Then I felt such a deep hurting and aching inside of me that went deep into the center of my being.I was still here,I had failed,I didn't want to be here,I didn't want to live.

I was completely devastated.

I vowed to never try again unless there was 0% chance of surviving.

I no longer feel that way though,I want to live.There's always,always,something to live for,even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes.