I've always struggled with food but never wanted to admit it. My body image is horrible and to make things worse I go out and buy loads of junk food and eat until I can't. My therapist is hesitant about giving yet another diagnosis but if she doesn't then my insurance won't cover the dietitian anymore. I just hate that I lose control when I eat. It feels like something else takes over me and I can't stop until the food is gone. At first I feel satisfied, but not really I'm just numb and then the shame and guilt and sadness kick in. I'm tempted to purge but I never have even when I've felt so unbelievably sick and feel like I'm super fat and disgusting. I just hate that I do this to myself and it feels like it's getting worse but I don't know why. All I want is to be able to stop and have a healthy relationship with food and my body but it seems so unattainable. I was going to a trainer for a little while but stopped because I was so embarrassed that I was gaining weight from my overeating/binging. I still don't know what to call it, bonging vs overeating but regardless it feels horrible and out of control. On top of my depression and what not, it breaks my heart to know that I'm doing this to my body. I know the dietitian had said that it's not that simple and it's about chemicals in the brain that are controlling it but it doesn't feel that way because I feel like I should be in control of what I put into my body. And I know I'd never say that to someone else but for some reason I do to myself. Anyway, I don't know if anyone else has experienced similar things or not knowing. It just feels pretty lonely.