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Originally Posted by MJB124
So I know there is a lot of this one here... people that just don't feel "right" and I guess that's what brings me here too. I'm kind of on a struggling path where I'm trying to figure myself out and find happiness and peace.
So a little back ground on me... I'm almost 30. I'm and ICU RN at a major hospital and I'm also a graduate student and will be finishing up my nurse practitioner in may. I was diagnosed with ADHD at probably about age 7 and my parents didn't believe in medications, so I was never really treated... But I grew up working 50 times as hard to be able to keep up with my peers. Once my high school math teacher asked me if I ever had heard of a disorder called "ADD" once while I was staying after for extra help, and I got really annoyed.
Now, looking at me from the outside, you'd think I'm doing pretty well. I'm a navy veteran, nurse, grad student. My resume looks pretty good. I nail interviews... I've always felt kind of different, but over the last 4 or 5 years... it's become really noticeable. People just tell me I "act different"... I've been accused of acting like I don't like people or isolate myself. That I don't act like part of the team. I've been told I don't communicate well and that people can't read me and don't know how I'm feeling. Once someone even described me as having a "flat" affect. I've had people complain that they don't feel like I'm listening to them or processing what they're saying. It makes me feel like I'm not smart, that people don't like me, that I don't fit in. None of those behaviors I've describes are anything I do purposefully or even know that I'm doing... but people seem to pick up quickly that there's something off with me. I never thought there was before, but now I'm starting to feel like I went into the wrong field or not capable of doing this job. People who know me well wouldn't describe me like this either. I tend to shy away from large groups and crowds. I hate being the center of attention (now, I loved it as a kid)... but one on one with someone or in a small group I'm comfortable, chatty, and funny.
Another thing that makes me feel like I'm different is how and who I attach to. I'm a fairly attractive girl... before my last relationship I went on a lot of dates... for years... I had put together men, lawyers, teachers, and engineers, that were interested in me... and I turned them down. But, then who do I end up dating? An alcoholic chef who was divorced from his ex wife from cheating and i'm 95% sure he has borderline personality disorder. His alcoholism is pretty severe too. He ended up being the most serious relationship I had. We dated for two years before the drinking caused too much stress for me to handle and eventually i just completely flipped and kicked him out... since then, I've been suffering so much grief. It's been 6 months since we broke up and I still cry. I joined al anon groups to try to get through steps of recovery. I've tried to learn everything I can about alcoholism. I miss him and offer support and help continuously. I'm kind of obsessive over it. I get emotional and anxious whenever I have patients who are addicts... clearly not coping well with the whole situation and I recognize none of this is normal.
I started strattera 60 mg almost a year ago for my ADHD... it seems to have helped with the cloudiness I had in my head but not too much more. I started Zoloft 50mg in september to try to help with any depression or anxiety. It seems to help a little but sometimes i miss doses due to side effects of fatigue or stomach aches.
Any thoughts or input would be appreciative because at this point i just want to feel normal or at least be able to make the best of my abnormalities.  |
Although you've done very well career wise I think you are just now suffering from the real affects off ADD. The anxiety,depression, self-esteem, emotions that go undetected or ignored when you were younger. As you get older one starts to understand themselves better, what you didn't notice as issues as a child they become more clear as an adult. You had to "try 50 times harder than everyone else just to keep up" I can't imagine the work that involved. The stress must have drove you close to the edge at times. I think you self esteem and self worth took a beating and now that you are at the level that you are your starting to pay the price. When you were younger your (this is just a guess) parents most likely really pushed you, a lot, the type of pushing that rips your self esteem and self worth apart, teachers probably were part of this. And when I mean pushed, I mean the degrading name calling like, your lazy, stupid, unmotivated, your not trying, ect, ect, ect. Now you don't have someone hanging over you, pushing you, maybe your parents pushed you to careers that you really didn't care for, but did it anyways just to make them happy. What you are now experiencing are the real symptoms of ADD. I know all to much about low self esteem, self worth, isolation. I consider it a compliment when told I'm not normal, not like everyone else. Normal people bore me, however, trying to get through the day and function at a normal pace can be and is extremely difficult. You may have chosen the partner you did because he may have challenged you. The others who had professional careers may have seemed boring to you or you may not have felt you were worthy of being with someone who appeared more stable.
I think what you need to do is find a therapist who is experienced with adult ADD, someone who dedicates their practice in that area. I went undiagnosed for the 1st 38 years of my life, when I was a kid ADD didn't exist by name, basically my childhood was a living hell. Even though getting diagnosed when I did was a big weight off my shoulders and answered a lot of questions, the damage had been done. I have been spending the last 18 years trying to get my self esteem and self worth back, I wasn't surrounded by the type of people who taught me the tools that I needed to succeed. I was surrounded by people who did nothing but tell me I would never succeed, when family tells you that your done. There isn't a day that has gone by in the last 45 years (thats as far back as I can remember) that suicide didn't cross my mind. Although your dealing with some serious emotional issues due to ADD you do have a successful career. I would also see if trying different meds might change things. If your like me, brain is always in 6th gear, seems like you listening to 30 different TV shows at the same time, then you may need to try something stronger, like Ritalin or Adderall to slow it down so you can get through the day at a normal pace. You can still be yourself and function like everyone else, at least in your professional life.