I just don't know why so many things are happening! It's been too much! A body can only take so much! Beginning in September, stressful and worrisome things have happened non-stop...life altering crisis...one after another. I'm trying so hard. I honestly don't know how much more stress I can take and how long I can manage everything I need to tend to.

Beginning in July things just have not let up for me. In July I received a call from my long lost father. I'd only since him once in 2003 (Nov.), before that I'd not seen him in 14 years. He is the reason our entire family suffers with PTSD. He's not a good man. However, there were times in my young life that he was good to me. He taught me emotion and love. He's one person that I knew loved me as a young child. Then there were the other times and things went from bad to worse. Anyhow, that's another story and very, very long. So, in July he calls me and tells me that he's having his lung removed and that he had cancer. I went to see him that weekend. In Sept. and Oct. I spent almost every weekend with him and worked full time. He had his surgery and survived. The doctors were very concerned that he wouldn't survive. They even put his surgery off because he also has severe emphysema and they felt his remaining lung wouldn't sustain life. The stress of seeing him, the surgery and flashbacks were almost more than I could bare. Finally, it got to the point where he didn't need so much attention.

Two weeks later, my nephew was brought to me to care for...again while I was trying to maintain full time work. Alot of you know that story. I had to quit my job because I couldn't maintain caring for a two year old, family, self and work full time. I've had no emotional break and everything that has happened has been extremely triggering for me. However, somehow we made it through and things were calming down and I was finally settling into a routine...even going back to the hard memory work that I was doing in t.

Today I got a phone call. My father is back in the hospital and has been since Monday of this past week. He's not well at all. I called him and spoke with him. He's down to 123 lbs. He's lost control of his bowels and bladder. He's severely anemic and dehydrated. He's losing blood from somewhere in his body and they don't know where. He told me that the cancer has spread to his bone marrow. It's not good at all. I don't know that he'll ever leave the hospital.

I will be going to see him tomorrow which was supposed to be my rest day (the baby staying with his daddy and mamaw). I HAVE to go. I'm the only child who will even speak to him. I don't blame the others for not. This is just something I feel I need to do. It's just so triggering let alone the normal stuffs that goes along with a situation like this. T and family are worried saying they don't know how much more I can take, but I have no options at this point. It's not like I'm seeking out these things to worry about and act on.

I know I can't do like I did before by going down there every weekend. I can't keep up that kind of pace at this point. I have the baby. My father doesn't have another soul in this world to be with him. It's awful. I need to give him time, but how?

My father was an evil man. I realize he probably still would be if his health weren't failing him. I know all of these things. However, I also know that he's my father and I'm the type of person that wouldn't allow an animal to die alone if I had anything to do with it. I need strength right now and lots of it.

Please send me good wishes, prayers, luck (whatever your beliefs allow you) for strength and stamina. I sure need them. I'm so angry at fate or whatever for all of these things happening with no let up when I was just trying to live my simple life and be a good person who needs to heal. I'm beginning to think I'm not a good person and this is payback...

Thank you for listening,

kim