The Story Of Cyran0 Part 1

I can't think of a time in my life when I didn't know, in an immediate and physical way, what sex was. That other kids wanted to be sexual with me seemed normal. Without much adult supervision and neighborhood kids varying in age and disposition, encounters started happening by the time I was four. I was a little scared at first but quickly I started to like it and crave the attention. Some of these kids were so much older but I was being included and it felt good.

Afterwards I would have intense periods of guilt and anxiety. I knew what I'd done was not ok. I would cry for hours and nobody knew why. In my little boy brain, I was responsible.

The instigator of much of this was an older kid that lived down the street. His father was a self-proclaimed man of God and he pretty much let the whole neighborhood hang out at his house. This older boy would create scenarios that led to small groups of us getting naked and fondling each other. He'd bring out dirty magazines and we'd all get excited looking at them. A girl would get naked and the boys would take turns laying on top of her and thrusting.

This happened a lot and over a period of years.

I always reacted the same way. Excited to be included. I enjoyed the contact. But the guilt and worry and anguish was crippling.

Sex entered other parts of my life through my older brother, porn, scenarios I'd initiate with other kids my own age, etc.

Sex had become a part of my world.

As time went on the AIDS epidemic started and I became convinced that because I'd had sex, I had AIDS. I was going to die and it was all my fault. I also had strange fantasies that I was going to be turned into a woman and it both excited and horrified me. Days on end would be spent worrying about all of this. I'd lay in bed at night and twist and turn with the emotional turmoil. I couldn't escape me and I couldn't escape what I'd done. So goes the mind of a seven year old kid.

Getting older only meant sex became more sophisticated, mature and varied. It never really ended. At puberty it just became dating.

When I grew up I was convinced that what happened all those years ago was normal. That it was children experimenting with their sexuality. Kids play doctor, after all. It wasn't until I had children of my own that the reality of what happened hit me. If my four year old son was sexually exploited by kids five to ten years older than him, I would be outraged. I would call it abuse and I would take action.

I tend not to tell the story of these early years because people dismiss it. They don't get the physical, mental and emotional differences that exist between a five year old and a twelve year old, for example. I even had one psychiatrist question whether or not this was abuse. My response was simply, he was older, he was in charge of me, he involved me in sex. I was not old enough to make these choices.

So that's one part of my background. More of my story to come.

Cyran0