I am here. I have lived through things that people dare not speak of. I have lived because I felt an understanding and love from my dear friend who helped me feel like it was okay to be alive. She told me that my aliveness was beautiful. She is gone now and I have no connection and I wonder how real our connection ever was? Where is she? Why is this so hard? She gave me gifts that changed me but what if it was a lie? What if she was just trying to be kind? I want to speak with her and my grandmother so much right now. I know I am sounding quite crazy, whatever that means. I felt loved by Jane. I felt that I was important. I am confused.