You are pretty damn strong to have coped with so much for so long. You can turn that strength a little bit from being reactive and defensive into being assertive and offensive. I don't mean fight back. I don't mean that at all. Give that up. I mean call a women's crisis number and let them help you formulate a plan of recovery. It means trekking into the unknown, but it will be quickly learned and so much better than what you have now. A fellow I used to work with was very active in women's crisis issues. He had some hard stories that had turned around with his group's help. They have the ways and means to get you safely out of your situation and into a safe new start. You have to give your local group a call and give them a chance. It will be hard, but not nearly so hard as what you are already going through. You are already tough enough to do it. You just have to take that on faith for a short time until you prove it for yourself, which you will.