After looking around the different topics, I realized how many I could actually post in... and honestly struggled to figure out which one to make my first post in. Depression has stuck with me for so long that I feel like it is a part of me... so I guess this is appropriate.

I am depressed- every day. All day. I feel I cannot be happy. I laugh and find enjoyment in movies, but I havent felt true happiness in a long time. Today has been a particularly difficult day, due to what I assume is the low I have been stuck in lately. I hate being this way, especially around my girlfriend... especially since she is a naturally happy person. Its like I drag her down constantly. I have been self medicating for quite some time with alcohol, and it is one of the few things that kind of helps. I am on antidepressants, but they really dont do much, so I dropped down the dose just to help me focus.

I have tried therapy and honestly it was useless, to me anyway. I was basically paying for someone to tell me something I already knew. I live with suicidal thoughts daily, and fight away impulses to self harm. It is so hard to go out into the world and have a "normal" life, where people constantly are telling you to smile or "fake it till you make it". Some days you just want to shut it all off.

There isnt a night where I dont have nightmares, and a night without them feels... wrong. I feel like I havent slept in years, and am always tired. There is is much that has happened in my past that it even raised an eye brow to the therapist that I was seeing. Depression, PTSD, BPD... basically can sum up what is going on in my screwed up mind.

I really dont know what I am expecting from posting here, but maybe venting a little to people who can relate and feel a little less alone would be worth it. I guess I just want someone to tell me the magic answer that I know doesnt exist, and for all this to go away so I can focus and be "me" for once. Gets so frustrating.