Just Passing By:

I see stuff too, shadows, sometimes flecks of stuff. I am afraid to drive a lot of times. I also hear things I think. Just brief little noises in the house when it is quiet that sound like a voice. I try not to tell anyone because I don't want to be labeled as someone who hallucinates. Once, I thought I saw a hand outside the glass by the window reaching for the doorbell, but no one was there!

I am just beginning to be able to tell manic from depressed. I don't know what hypomanic feels like so I call it manic. When it is full-blown it feels like you are high on something. Everyone is great and the world is wonderful. Then all the sudden you are angry.

I can relate with thinking your husband is cheating. In reality, I know my husband would not cheat, but for two days I have been thinking he is cheating on me. Why? Because he was in the bedroom and came out and put his cellphone in his pocket and looked around and yesterday he came home and then suddenly decided to go to the store to get some lunchmeat. (He was gone an appropriate amount of time and had lots of stuff.) He always goes to the gym early in the morning and I watched the clock to see when he would come back and wondering if he was going to see the fictional girlfriend that I know I made up but have been thinking about. He is not supportive and in fact, he makes my bipolar a lot worse. My therapist says he is in denial. I am also an embarrasment to him and I can't talk to him about my feelings, he doesn't understand them and gets irritated at me for interrupting his TV show. That is why I came on here.

I also can relate with the suicidal thinking with this. I have been in bouts of really bad depression and having to get my meds switched around and HAVING that voice tell you to go ahead and do it, no one loves you, you don't matter. My husband took all the knives and weapons out of the house, even the scissors away from me for a couple of weeks, it got so bad. No one understands that.

Do you ever just not trust yourself though because you have so many highs and lows? Afraid of what you might do? I don't mean something criminal, but just something stupid. I feel almost like I need a guardian, and I don't know if it is because my husband makes me feel like I am crazy and everything I do is wrong or it is a normal feeling.

I hope to talk with you again soon. Maybe we can chat sometime or something.