Im never anyones priority. I am never anyones first. I am always last on the list to hang out with. My brother asked me to wrap some xmas presents for him and thats probably the only bonding time ill get with him. "Pass the scissors." "Pass the tape." We got to talking about tattoos we want and i asked him of he wanted to go with me and he said he wanted to hang out with my cousin, who is more of a brother to him than i am his sister. Then i went to the tattoo parlor and i made an appt. I told him, "i have an appt on friday at 7 if you want to come" and he said "Ill see if i have time". Tattoos are a big deal. Its more special if you go with someone not just by yourself and he has no time for me. Im just a socially awkward mentally ill sister in his eyes and im the last person he thinks of to hang out with. Im his sister and he doesnt have time for me, he never does, so every year he comes home and my mom and i fight, and last year i hacked up my legs so bad my whole leg was covered in blood and my dad in his police uniform had to make me promise that if he went back to work i wouldnt kill myself because it would hurt him that he could have stopped it and that argument would be the last conversation my mom had with me. So every year its been a tradition to get ignored by my brother, fight with my mom, and self mutilate. I thought that because its the holidays we'd be a happy family but no im just doing everything i can to not cut myself i bought a knife today and i kept it in the car and hid my keys because i told myself i can drink or i can cut i cant do both so now im drinking and not cutting and oddly enough i have my boss in my head and showing her clean wrists like yes i am ok im not hurting myself and im holding it together while i feel so excluded and hurting like i have to spend the next two weeks hearing about all the people my brother hung out with and i want xmas to be happy because i tried so hard in picking out good presents and i dont want it ruined because suddenly its all about my brother and i dont matter because im not special or high achieving like my brother and i am so miserable now that hes here and he doesnt care about how hard i worked to get everything ready for him or how much i want to spend time with him he doesnt care about me at all. Im so upset.