Hello Mishatoe, welcome to PC! I can definitely relate to what you are going through, that's actually one of the main reasons that I'm on this site as well. Instead of defining yourself by your ability to perform in certain situations, it would be best to instead find something that you are good at and build a new purpose from that. Albert Einstein is often cited as saying that "If you test a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, then it will go its whole life feeling stupid". Similarly, you are looking to your literary performance and ability to drive for self worth. Instead, you should find your own way with which to define your self importance. Hang in there!