i can see that you are in a serious situation. i do think that somehow your son needs to learn to take care of his possessions, ie. car. It is smart to have him find a job to pay for the car payments to take responsibility and maybe that will be the ticket for him to take car of his car rather than run it into the ground or tear it up. As far as hubby becoming angry about having bought the car for him, did you discuss it with him prior to the purchase? The money is coming from child support which is for the child so it isn't quite like you took money from family funds. Even so, if you continue to bail out your son, he'll not learn. I don't mean to be judgemental or harsh so I apologise if i seem to be.

i know that merged families come with a lot of difficulties. i don't know, but learning to love a 13 yr. old boy who is extremely destructive would be hard. then his fetish with your underwear.... that would be concerning. does your husband know about this behavior?

it is obvious that the 13 yr. old needs psychological/psychiatric help. it concerns me that if he is not treated, his behavior could escalate to where he is legally placed in a juvenile detention center. would you describe him as incorrigible? it sounds like you resent him and can't say that i wouldn't either. i hope that somehow you can find a way to lighten up on him. maybe he has some redeeming qualities so that you can encourage the positive and downplay the negative. Maybe he is rebelling against you because you are hard on him when he sees you favoring (not the word i'm looking for) your son.

as far as your husband, sounds like some good communication would be a good start. i don't know how long you have been married, but if neither of you are talking over issues, that leads each other to develop misperceptions and wrong interpretations. actually, your post read like the kids are coming in between you and your husband. if so, this gives me some hope that you two can reconcile your issues and not allow the kids to divide you resulting in divorce.

others have suggested a good family counselor. i have to agree. everyone has something to benefit from it. i only wish counseling worked quickly as you have an emergency.

one item i'd like to comment on, it doesn't sound like you and your husband are a team. if this is so, confusion abounds especially when how to reward or disipline children go.

i truly wish you the best and hope that you and your husband can save your marriage. i confess that i am not even close to an expert but have been close to those in similar situations.

Be Blessed

I hope all of us have helped in some way.