So my session tonight was intense. I started off by telling T that I felt the last session didn't go very well and how I didn't want to be there and I couldn't process what she was saying. I then went on to confess that I wasn't doing as "okay" as I'd been saying for the past few weeks and that I didn't want to tell her because I was worried she would be disappointed in me and think that I wasn't trying hard enough. I started to get quite emotional at this point and could feel tears forming but I was determined not to let them fall. One did.

I don't know why but I still don't feel completely "safe" in therapy. Anyway, at this point I kind of shut down and T asked me what I wanted to do and if I wanted to just sit in silence for a while. I thought about it and decided to talk about something else that was less emotional. Somehow that topic only lasted a little while and we got back to talking about how I was holding back on talking about something. After T asking me a bunch of questions about what was holding me back I realised there was no way I could move forward until we discussed it.

I told T that I was worried about how I was going to cope without her over the Christmas break and I was wondering if I could have some sort of transitional object. I said it in a much more jumbled inarticulate way than that but T seemed to understand what I said. T asked me what I sort of "object" I had in mind and I said I wasn't sure. T also asked me if I thought giving transitional objects were something she normally does and I said no and T said something like how would you feel if I made an exception? I realised then I would feel very guilty if T were to make an exception for me. I think it was around this point that I started feeling a bit emotional again.

T didn't give me any idea as to what she actually thinks of transitional objects. I know that is the way psychodynamic therapy goes but it is so frustrating sometimes. Even when I say things like "I think I'm a failure" she never says anything to reassure me that I'm not so I just assume she agrees with me. I know that doesn't make any sense but yeah... I just wish she would give some clue as to what she is thinking!