Hello all.

This is my first time reaching out about my struggle with PTSD. Aside from speaking to a doctor about it and occasionally reaching out to a therapist, I haven't really discussed my disorder with anyone. I feel like a monster sometimes. My PTSD is so varied in its trigger. Simple things. Things that a person would see as completely harmless... Then a memory shadows my heart and I am completely at their mercy. I was severely abused as a child. I will give a very brief idea of what I've experienced. My stepfather was an absolute monster. He tied me up with duct tape and kicked me around the house as though I were a soccer ball; laughing when he broke my nose at 4 years old. He would spit in my drinks and not tell me until after I had finished it. To this day I cannot drink the last few swallows of whatever is in my glass. He nailed me and my brother to the floor of our apartment and left the house, stating that he was going to Disneyland and we were going to starve to death. He also molested me on more than one occasion with my mother forcing me to apologize to him for the accusation.
My mother was very abusive as well. She forced my brother and I to lick our kitchen floor clean. She beat us often. She threatened to kill us. She threatened to put us up for adoption. She didn't protect us from the monsters she brought into the house and used meth while we were growing up.
I was molested on several occasions by several men and boys. I was always being hurt. I do not believe in love as a result. I see people as dark, gnarled monsters waiting to hurt me at every turn. I don't give myself over to anyone. I love...but I love from behind a very thick wall. When I am angry...I am a reflection of all of the hurt and horror I received and witnessed as a child.
I feel very alone. Very guilty. Very sad. I feel that I am better off alone. I'm married so their would be repercussions should I choose to do that. But I do feel that I am toxic and should not be with anyone. I am abusive towards my partner. I have abusive language. I am trying very hard to get help but I am scared. I feel as though I am never going to get over this. This can't be my whole life... This can't be all there is.