***Triggers***

Both of my parents were abusive to me from an early age into adulthood. My mother used to purposely mess up my room, lie and tell my father I hadn't cleaned it, and then encourage him to beat me. My father was very violent often and some of the beatings have left permanent issues. If he wasn't beating me he was telling verbally and emotionally abusive telling me things like, "It's your fault if you get raped." In response to me wearing t-shirts, or my cheerleader uniform.

Anyway, I had to stop speaking to everyone in my family. It was the only way I could even begin to process everything that was done to me. I moved to another country and cut all ties.

Recently, after several years of not speaking to them, I decided to find some closure and contacted them. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. They've been verbally rude and verbally abusive at times, but I feel much stronger and able to ignore any b.s they try with me. I have not seen them in person, but have spoken to them a few times over the phone.

Today, my father told me somethings about his childhood. His mother is dying and he is feeling overwhelmed. He told me his father used to tie him up on a tree when he was little and beat him. These beatings often caused him to pee blood. My father went through kidney failure and a kidney transplant 9 years ago. I don't know if those horrific beatings took a toll on his body, but somehow it feels related.

When he told me about some of the beatings I was shocked. I asked my mother if she knew and she told me that when they first got married my dad would wake up with night sweats screaming and crying.

I felt my heart drop as they told me all of that. My dad brushed it all off saying "It's fine, I'm fine. It's over now", but I could hear the sadness of his "inner child".

I have compassion for the little boy he was. I understand that none of what he did as an adult can be completely excused by his childhood, but it just feel so awful to know what happened to him.

His mother, who's on her death bed has no remorse. None what so ever. It's an awful situation.

Now that I know some of my father's story, I guess I now see where all his rage and anger was coming from, but I don't know how to organize or sort through all this emotion now...it feels so strange. I keep feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me when I think about what he told me today.

Anyway, has anyone else here learned about their abusers childhood? If so, how did it affect your point of view and opinion towards them?