She flat out asked me right in the beginning. First she apologized for having to end early, then she asked me if it made me upset. I said yes. (First of all, she not only got the meeting out on time, but a couple minutes early! That's a first!). I told her my thoughts, also, is that she may be distracted by getting out on time, and watching the clock constantly. She then told me she was only having to leave 5 minutes early. And then she got, what I feel is, a bit defensive after I said those things. She said this is NOT how she operates, and she's sorry it's happening, and it's really not ok. She was talking a bit stern to me, and kept repeating herself that it's only 5 minutes. I felt like crap! I started crying...really crying...and after she again repeated the 5 minutes, I said "I'm SORRY I feel this way, I'm SORRY this bothers me." I wanted to crawl in my hole. Then her voice went soft again. I told her it's not about the time, the number of minutes she has to leave early, after all, it IS only 5 minutes, but I assumed the meeting would run late like it always does, and figured she'd need more time than 5 minutes. I told her it's about my not feeling important. Not a measly 5 minutes. She agreed, and said I have plenty of reasons and life experiences that would cause me to feel this way, and that I'm very vulnerable right now, and T2 just mentioned cutting sessions, and I'm very vulnerable right now, then T2 also mentioned she applied for another job, I'm majorly changing my life and the ways I cope right now (with help of a medication that not just ANY doctor can prescribe, that's also almost $50 every day and my insurance is balking so I've had to buy some out of pocket) and I'm very vulnerable right now. LOL I think I said it enough.

She brought up last week, when I glanced over at her bookshelves, which is normally where I stare off, and noticed two shelves were empty. She thought she saw a look of panic on my face (I wasn't), and explained why. She said "I'm not moving or leaving or anything." Honestly, staring at two empty book shelves in her office didn't make me think that, but I see how she could think I might. She knows I need consistency right now (we all know she has not been very consistent in the past), and she assured me nothing is changing, she will NOT. CHANGE. ANYTHING. Some people in my life have dropped out of my life...another in prison, another in a nursing home (two, actually), and I'm having a hard time dealing with this life change without any support at home (it's not their fault, I haven't told them).

Anyway, after her appearing (to me) defensive, and my crying/sobbing through most of the session, it ended well enough. She sat on the floor beside me, even held my hand for a short time. And then we walked out to our cars together. I felt bad over whining about 5 minutes....but I honestly didn't know that's all it would be, but it's deeper than the time I lost. That's not what my feelings were about. I'm sure most of you "get" that!

Thanks so much for checking in! The session went ok...and I got out what I wanted to. I just hate feeling "SOOOO fragile." I truly hate it.