Okay, I've been on and off this site for awhile but I came back now because I'm totally losing my ****. Some of you may remember I had talked a lot about this girl I had fallen in love with that was leading me on; its really bad now. We totally stopped talking 3 weeks ago until yesterday, and it was really really ****ing bad:

I was at work, I had missed the entire month of November due to injury (still on workmans comp light duty) and it was the first day I've been back the same time as her. I hadn't spoken to her in 3 weeks, she got mad at me when I was awarded workmans comp and said I was just milking the company for money, I was wrong, etc etc etc (it was a injury totally out of my control mind you). Anyway, I cut through the produce room, which is my normal department and which she is filling in my spot until I can return to full duty (which I hated from the moment it was decided), but I'm just going about my business and she immediately got hostile and said I was only coming through to piss her off, and it turned into an argument about literally everything that happened between us, and like she said some stuff that seriously hurt me, she gave zero ****s..... Among many other things, she told me that I scared her. That just me being me, the fact that I wanted to be with her, that I was scary about it. All I ever did was try to show her I cared, I genuinely loved her, and she ****ing tells me that. That literally hurts me so ****ing bad, like what the **** am I if that's all I made her feel for so long, was afraid of me? Literally as soon as I left the produce room I stood in the bathroom for 15 minutes literally crying because she just cut through me in a way nobody ever has before, like I'm so upset by her. I was so upset by the time I left work, I was driving home and the thought crossed my mind that I wished a deer would just run out in front of me, because if something happened to me maybe that she would finally understand what the **** she did to me. I've never had any remotely suicidal thought like that in my life. She has totally destroyed my mind, I feel worthless and horrible and like I am just a total ****-up because of her. I wish I had never met her. I gave her literally everything of myself I could and she has done nothing but hurt me and ruin my sense of self worth. I told her yesterday, she's a damn disease.

I just don't know what to do... I can't tell my parents how messed up I am or I lose what little I do have. I can't just seek out a therapist because they'd find out. I'm so lonely all the time, like literally I am not kidding when I say my closest friend is my work manager who is 30 years old, like I just have nobody at all really. I'm surrounded by people who don't like me all the time. I'm starting to not give a **** what happens to me at all. And now I can't even go to work - the only place I feel at least some people like me - without **** like this happening. I'm terrified she's going to try to get me fired or something. I told my manager (him and I really are close out of work) and he said he'd deal with the work side of the issue with her, but I'm so ****ed up personally.... The worst part is she knows how she's hurt me, that she led me on, that she has degraded me so much, and she doesn't care at all, she just tries to pin everything on me and claim total innocence. She's a narcissistic, horrific, manipulative ***** and if I never had to see her again I would be okay with it. If she knew and could feel how badly she ****ed me up, she wouldn't be able to eat or sleep from the guilt of it.

I really just have no idea what to do, or what's wrong with me.