Hello Toxic Rose: I'm so sorry you had to endure such awful abuse growing up. No one should be subjected to this kind of torture... especially not a child. You said you have spoken to a doctor about your PTSD & occasionally reached out to a therapist.

I think I may have some similar experience as far as seeing therapists goes. I've tried a few for brief periods over the years. None of it ever amounted to anything. I think part of that was because I never found what I considered to be a good therapist. They ranged from mediocre to dreadful! But it is also true there are things in my past I simply will never talk to anyone about. And the response I've received from the few things I have talked about has only reinforced with me the fact that I would never, ever mention the rest of it. Still... one thing I do recognize is that therapy is a long-term process that requires commitment. So, given the extreme conditions you grew up under, I wonder if really committing yourself to the therapeutic process might not be worthwhile.

The abuse I grew up with pales beside what you describe. But I did struggle with abuse myself. Plus I think I probably had an overlay of mental health problems to begin with that caused the abuse I did suffer to have a much greater impact on me than it would have had if I had been mentally stronger to begin with. But, unfortunately, the combination of untreated mental health struggles I carried throughout childhood, plus the abuse I did receive, resulted in my also turning out to be a toxic person. And as a result I, in my turn, did severe damage years ago to people who deserved infinitely better from me... I also feel very alone, very guilty & very sad. I often wish I could simply walk off into the night never to return. But I am also married. And my wife has no one but me. So I simply endure the loneliness, guilt & sadness & strive to accept with compassion who & what I turned out to be.

Still, I do believe you can heal from the trauma of your young life. You simply have to find the right therapist & then commit to the process. I pray you will find the strength to do so...