I have masturbated for as long as I can remember, from around 2. It was always clitoral, I orgasmed. I'm 30. I have had a difficult path through sexuality, I was raped when I was 16 and have experienced several other sexual assaults in my early 20s. I have always had massive problems with sex, I'd get panic attacks, freak out, feel sick. I always assumed that this was related to the things iv just mentioned, but there's another thing. Ever since I can remember masturbating, it is always about my dad, he comes into my head. Its the only way I can come. I feel completely disgusted with my self and sick and like I want to destroy myself. It is always linked to injury. When i was a kid, I guess about 4? My dad sprained his ankle, he was very dramatic and I can just remember it was a really big deal. He wanted a lot of attention. Somehow this has got connected in my head and when i masturbate I think about that, about how he acted, things he would say and the arrogance and self importance of it. He was always getting people to massage them and talking about it and getting my mum to massage him and it always made me feel angry and sick. And i don't know why. This has been in my mind for so long. Also my mum told me when she visited me in rehab, she said that when I was at nursery there was a woman there who worked there who had broken her arm, it was in a sling and my mum said that I went crazy screaming and crying and running away, that my reaction was really unexpected and extreme. I don't know why but I feel like this could be related? My relationship with my dad has always been very very volatile. He is a very angry man, and quite aggressive. I always just wanted him to love me. The hatred and resentment I feel towards him is unbelievable. He has aspergers syndrome. He is impossible to argue with, he will always win. I don't know what has happened to make me this way, I hate myself. I have done so many things to try to change who I am and get away from myself over the years. I have struggled with bulimia and binge eating since i was young, self-harmed and am a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. I am just over 2 years clean, I do a 12 step program but all this stuff just seems to be getting harder or just like...more. I can't get away from it. Every time I masturbate, which is almost every day, I feel like part of my dies inside. I feel like i can't stop. I still purge sometimes, but not all the time. My parents are not together anymore, I have only had sporadic contact with my dad since they split. I feel like I'm crazy and i don't know what to do and i feel like I will never be able to have a healthy sex life. I haven't had sex since I got clean and the last sexual encounter I had was when I used to give men oral for heroin. I feel dirty and so so full of self hate I just want to me numb. Please if anyone can help me or help me to understand any of this it would be so appreciated. Thank you for reading it. Sorry it was long.