(((With or Without you)))
I've been going to therapy for 10years and I started going when I was 34. I'm 44 now. I've been with the same T for that time, however I did take a break or two and tried a different therapist as I thought my therapist didn't have anything else to offer. I tried a few other therapists. One was OK but she basically couldn't help me any more than my current therapist. The second therapist I felt a connection with but I feel like she pushed me too hard and she was really far from my home.

I decided to go back to my original therapist and I'm glad I did. She learned some new techniques (EMDR) and I've been with her since. Part of my reasoning for wanting to leave her to begin with also had to do with me having fear of feeling close to her and trusting her with my 'ugliness'. I have abandonment issues.

When I started seeing my T I had minor depression and 5 years ago I fell into a major depression and was in an outpatient program. That program helped me a lot. Since then I was OK for a while (3 years). The last two years have been not severe but not mild. This past August I started sliding back into a major depression. I've contemplated going into the hospital but going, inpatient. The only reason I've been able to stay out is because I'm almost never alone and I would never want to hurt my kids by killing myself. Another option for me is going outpatient but that is very expensive even with insurance.

I typically see my psychiatrist every month but I've been going every two weeks most recently as I've been feeling worse (downward spiral). Right now I'm seeing my therapist weekly and sometimes check in via phone or email another time during the week. Most recently I joined a free support group at the mental hospital and that helps me feel not so alone.

Not sure if any of this helps you but I feel your despair. For sleep I've been taking 100mg of Trazadone and that has helped otherwise I get no sleep. Abilify isn't something I've tried before but I'm going to discuss it with my psychiatrist. I'm also taking 100mg Pristiq and 300mg Wellbutrin. I'm not sure if I want to add another drug to my regimen. I am thinking about trying TMS (less severe treatment compared to ECT).

Please know that you aren't alone. Seeing your post has helped me feel less alone as I drown in this depression. I'm here.