Warmest regards to the American mainland's polar vortex from overcast Honolulu, where yesterday began with a massive federal drug bust in Kalihi, today's bank robbery has been the fifth since last week, and police nabbed a burglary suspect today after locking down an entire Kaneohe neighborhood. East Oahu Cops. We are the new Wild West.

Yesterday, at the conclusion of a four-hour-long Chinese acupressure seminar, a septuagenarian "human potentializer" life coach slipped my friend her business card, on which was printed the URL for a German corporate precious metals brokerage. She disclosed that the shower at her home had three separate nozzles. In a dazzling lapse of judgement, my friend gave the human potentializer his phone number. A strange and sinister game is afoot, and each Bipolar Check-in could be my last.