I've been working towards reconnecting with myself, who I truly am, what I feel, what I want..

I was just exploring this thing that I do where I love myself but at the same time don't want to be with myself.. I wondered what I get out of not being with myself - my dad's admiration..

I don't know if it's what my dad actually thought or if I just took it that way, but I've felt that he thinks anyone who's emotional is somehow ridiculous, weak, pathetic.. So I've tried to be anything but! And obviously, when I abandon my emotions, I abandon myself..

This actually feels like a relief! Now I see what's been happening - I can let it go I'm letting go of trying to 'win' my dad's admiration - I'd rather be real than have that.