I am a 25 year old male with OCD that was diagnosed when I was 12. I really need to just come clean with a major spike I've been having for the last 5 years . Please bare with me as it may be long.

When I was hitting puberty around the age of 11 or 12 I had a major fetish at the time that I didn't realize was a fetish until many years later. I was obsessed with women in thongs ( underwear). I didnt like underwear in general but specifically thongs/ g strings. It all started when I was around 12 years old. One of the girls in my class that I had a crush on at the time was wearing a thong and I can remember this specific instance leading to turning me on a lot. From that period on I think I may have subconsciously connected thongs with being sexy or something or connected that a sexier woman wears them I have no idea. I also remember as a kid the lingerie section of a store got me excited and turned on I don't know why.

OCD for me started out with a fear of having cancer. Then it moved on to a fear of harming others, specifically the fear that I would become the next school shooter since I had seen stories like that on the news and became obsessed with it, wondering if I could do that etc , you all know the hell that ocd can be.

So back to my current obsession. I got over my past themes pretty well because i finally realized there was no truth in them. About 5 years ago the fact that I had a fetish suddenly appeared to me. At this point I became obsessed with the fact that I was some sort of sexual deviant.

I googled about fetishes and learned that they were a type of sexual paraphilia or abnormal sexual attraction. Well this led to my current POCD. This spike is the hardest I've ever had to deal with because it feels too real to me. I already have a paraphilia (thongs) so my brain tells me that I could somehow develop pedophilia since I already have a paraphilia. This makes me extremely anxious because I already have an abnormal sexual disorder.

Before around 5 years ago I never thought of these things. I had never even thought of children. I knew that I never wanted kids because it is already too hard taking care of myself with this disorder. In addition I know that ocd is sometimes genetic and I would never force this hell that is ocd on someone else by having kids that could possibly inherit this disorder. Now, however, I avoid children like the plague. I feel like some sort of sexual deviant for my fetish and abnormal all the while dealing with ocd. It is too much to bare. Already feeling abnormal for most of my life for having ocd and now feeling super abnormal for having a fetish is just hell.