******** trigger warning ... true but maybe a little rough to hear ****************

sometimes I would get overwhelmed with the raging desire to kill and rip those around to little bitty pieces .... when I was young I used to travell with a shotgun and pistol praying that I would hear a call for help so I could become the avenging angel of the lord ... I though of nothing but dead and killing every momemt of the day ... sunk into church work deeply so I would feel justified for these feelings ... after all I was doing the lords holy work ... those heathern needed to be distroyed ...I drove 100 plus miles an hour every where I went ... practiced bootleg turns and such to escape if needed too ... actually did out run a sheriff one night ... went to religious school to contine my path to better beat those "others" down with my biblical knowledge ...

funny thing was as I learned more about the corruption of our churchs and the lies taught to and regurged out to unsuspecting believers the less "justification" my distructive thoughts had to hide behind ... learning the "truth" about organized religion actually caused me to no longer wanting to run others lifes and as such my desires to kill and hurt did lessen to just the level a normal screwed up kid would have ...

I never even considered this as not normal as it was all I ever knew ... I am the exact opposite of that now as I no longer even want to deal with others much less control them in any way ... as my religion beliefs died my humanity bloomed for the first time ... meds have helped a lot to strenghen that and to pretty well cement it to stay ....

as funny as it seems I feel I am a better person today but not as useful as I totally want nothing to do with anyone at anytime ....

this may not be what most of you feel or experience as "intrusive" thoughts but they were mine and consumed me for several years ...

bipolar ... psychopath ... just f**ked up I don't know ... but these thoughts flooded my mind every minute of ever day for years ... do not know if this fits the bp model or not ... BUT the meds have helped 100% ... my depression is mostly because I do not have an outlet for left over feeling and I turn this hate inward on my self ... they also help to deaden those feelings ..

It is very easy to believe if I had never went to that school I could be blowing up "heathern" today ... doing gods work ...

sorry so long winded but I have wanted to say this out loud for years ... it helps with the healing ... Tigger ...

ps: it anyone is offended please forgive me as the last thing I would ever want to do is express anything but love toward all of you ...