Hi Toxic Rose!

Thankyou for sharing. Your post resonated deep in my soul. I too, was abused and I really can't say I know what love is (I still believe in it!). I too, have some stories to tell of abusive behavior on my part. I sometimes wonder who I'd be if I would have had a "normal" upbringing.
Nevertheless, there is help and there is no need to be ashamed. A good therapist, like The Skeezyks suggested is a fine course of action. Additionally, your local women's shelter helps the abusive and the abused, and I highly recommend one.
Good luck and come back to check in often.