Hello Meme2015: I enjoy watching the British mysteries they show on our local public television station. One of my favorites is "Vera". (Vera is a Detective Chief Inspector in the Northeast England county of Northumberland.) Anyway, there was a line in one of the programs (while they're investigating a murder of course), where Vera's Detective Sergeant asks why a woman would stay with a man who treated her the way one of the women characters in the show had been treated. Vera's response was that there are some women who will put up with anything not to be left alone. From what you wrote, it sounds as though you are, perhaps, one of those women?

I noticed you also list yourself as being a survivor of abuse & rape. It is also true I think that, in spite of ourselves, we tend to fall into the same types of relationships we've experienced previously. The good news here, to the extent there is any, is that you are aware of the situation you are in & you can make a different choice. I send hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find the strength to do so...

By the way, are you familiar with the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

1 (800) 799-7233

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Perhaps there is some information & / or support available there that can be of some assistance.