The depression. It's coming on slow and it's not constant but it's there and it's getting worse. I can't handle this this year. I can't take time off work. It's a new job and also I don't get paid for disability because I'm in the union but the union's disability insurance doesn't include pre-existing conditions so i'm ****ed.

i can't do this. I can't do ECT again. I just can't. I can't do this ******** again.

I think I'm panicking. What's happening is that I'm getting depressed severely depressed Sunday, spending monday-wednesday moderately depressed, and then I'm ok for the rest of the week/beginning of the weekend. I don't understand it. But it's been happening every week in November/December and now it's getting worse every sunday.

Do you think drinking alcohol has something to do with it? I've been getting drunk every weekend for months now. I think I have a little bit of an alcohol problem. I'm not an alcoholic I don't think, but I'm having trouble not drinking on Friday nights. and i drink alone. This weekend it was two bottles of wine to myself and by myself on Friday night. Then I was mildly depressed Saturday and drank again with my sister in law. I'm not drinking to escape depression, I'm just so lonely and bored...maybe I am drinking to escape. I think I need to stop. I don't know if it can contribute to depression. I've never drank this often before in my life. I was a once-a-month kind of drinker. Even when I was in my early twenties. I don't know.

I saw my pdoc and she allowed me (very reluctantly i might add) to increase my Emsam to every day instead of every other day. I'm not sure how long Emsam takes to work. I've only been doing it every day for five days.

I hope it works. I'm sorry this post is a little incoherent, my brain is mush and i just submitted sub-par work for my online class because I just can't handle the projects anymore. I only have one week left of class and I just need to pass with an 80. I hope I do because I can't handle doing this class over again. I know my final project is going to be crappy but I hope it's at least PASSING crappy.

I hate depression. I try so hard and it just...always comes back to get me. But hopefully the increase AD will help.