Finally on solid ground after about 6 weeks (plus lead up time) of being more unwell than I ever have; terrifying, madness that brought me close to death. Now I feel stable, I feel exhausted and teary. This ride has been almost more that I, or my parents, could bear. My mother got so stressed she had a serious blood-pressure emergency and was prescribed her first Benzo in all her 66 years. I feel so guilty but it was out of my control. The only real harm done is having my parents see me so unwell - it is embarrassing. My behaviour was bazaar, obsessive and delusional.

Now I am close to stable I can see things so clearly and I weep over so many things. It just hurts. I have had to recover from some pretty serious episodes before so I know it will take time, and that I will be ok. However, this is going to be the toughest I have ever done so I am not sure how gently to proceed. Things like, when do I go back to work? Do I ask to reduce my weekly hours to reduce stress on me. I could scape by on a lower wage as I get some disability. I don't want to EVER be that ill again and I think I need to live life at a slower pace to allow for studies next year.

After a severe manic, even psychotic episode how do you put the pieces of your mind back together? How do you recover and not break again?

Sigh...I feel so deeply broken. Yet, there is hope with Lenard Cohan's Anthem;

'Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.'