I feel like I just can't catch a break in this life.
I joined this forum years ago when I was single and lonely. I finally met someone but it hasn't been the fairytale by any means. We've had nothing but challenges. Shortly after we met my now husband (boyfriend at the time) lost his job and was out of work for two years. This put a great deal of stress (financial and other) on our relationship. Then he became disabled. Finally got his health back, got a job and we were finally able to get married (first marriage for both of us). We started trying to get pregnant right away. I didn't grow up in a great family so all I ever wanted was to have a family of my own someday. Well now I've found out that's not going to happen either. Even if IVF were an option, we couldn't afford it, but per my doctors that is not even an option anymore. I can't have kids now. I basically have no eggs left. It's been another extremely emotional year for me because of this and really there is nobobdy to talk to about it. Friends with kids will say "just be glad you have the freedom without kids to do whatever you want when you want" or "at least you don't have to deal with <insert child problem here>" or "you would have ended up with a special needs child at your age" while others will say things like "children are a blessing from God and not everyone is meant to have kids" which only implies that God hates me or that we are being punished (as if I don't already feel that deep down anyway) or "you're too old to have kids anyway." Even the infertility specialists I saw were pretty insensitive about the whole thing, treating me like I was pathetic for even trying at my age, insensitive to my feelings and treating me as a source of income for them versus a human being dealing with a crisis. Nobody seems to get that this feels like a death to me and I have no idea how I'll ever get past this. Bottom line is people are very insensitive unless they have walked in your shoes they have no way of understanding. I have friends who don't have kids by choice, so that's ok. They enjoy the freedom that comes with being childless. Mine is not by choice. It has made me feel so hopeless about my future. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't feel like my life has any purpose. It has added stress to my marriage so we are having problems too. It makes me wonder why I even got married. Part of me blames my husband due to his circumstances that prevented us from marrying earlier and possibly having had a better chance. We didn't want to get pregnant before we got married because mainly we didn't have the money to have a child then due to his loss of job and short term disability. I'm really devastated by this. You spend your whole life trying not to get pregnant and now that you are in a place where you are ready to have a child you find out that you can't and it's so hard to accept. Yes, I could have gotten pregnant maybe when I was younger if I didn't care who the father was, but I wanted to wait until I met the right person, and I can't help it if I didn't get married until I was older. It wasn't by choice either. I wasn't "holding off" due to career or other choices, I just hadn't met the right person (so those people who say things like "well you shouldn't have waited so long" just don't get it). I have never even been pregnant. Every time I see a pregnant person or an ultrasound photo I get tears in my eyes as it's a reminder of what I'll never get to experience. I hate the holidays now. They just remind me that I have no family or children to celebrate with and make me depressed. I hate people asking me if I have kids or how many kids I have. I feel so angry and irritable and cry constantly. The only "baby" I ever had was my pet who just died after 19 years in my life. Every holiday revolves around kids and family and I don't have one and never will. Mother's Day and Halloween and Christmas especially. There's no point to these holidays for me. I don't have tons of friends or other family to help ease the pain. We don't "go out" so it's not like my life feels socially fulfilled anyway as a distraction. I have lost all desire to live. What's the point when I feel like I have nothing to live for and will be alone the rest of my life. I imagine myself in a nursing home one day with no visitors. It's so depressing and makes me feel so hopeless about my future. This is a very lonely battle because nobody can understand so I have nobody to talk to about this. I tried opening up to my mom just a little bit bout my pain of not being able to have children and her response was "stop feeling sorry for yourself." So yeah, that's my support. I just feel I have nothing to look forward to and don't enjoy anything anymore and don't want to go on and don't know how I will ever move past this feeling