I've had several changes in my life recently. My wife is pregnant and she can no longer work. To make up for the loss of income I have to put in additional hours which is stressful. I also used a online therapist which with the change in jobs I can no longer afford and lost some support. I try opening up to my wife about how I feel and it sometimes help but often she cries and feels sad. She doesn't want me to feel the way I do but I don't have much control. When she cries I have to put my feelings aside to comfort her. I feel obligated to do that. There is also stress from my face to face therapist as therapy is hard work. Digging things up has been very difficult for me. It has been very upsetting on several occasions. Once to the point that I was so upset I told my wife I wanted a divorce. At the time those feelings where mainly me wanting to escape I believe. There are several areas and still are of disastificion with my wife. I do the best I can but that is not good enough to make things the way I want them to be. I also upset a friend. I wish I could change what I did but I cannot.

With all of this I am having a really hard time getting my emotions under control. They are very intense. I have huge issues with abandonment and it feels like all of my emotions will make that come true, meaning I will make bad choices that make me be alone.

I don't know how to control this. Maybe you can call it anxiety. It is bad thoughts that sort of race through my head. I have a hard time staying in the moment. My mind constantly runs back to a dark place. The best way I can describe most of what I feel would be my brain being emotional abuse person hurting me. I have a lot of thoughts of not being good enough, feeling like I will be alone feeling like who I am is a bad person deep down and I should hide how I feel. I mean, I have tried to let things out at home and my wife has cried twice in the last two days about it. She is home alone most of the day and I imagine she dwells on it too. She probably cries a lot when I'm not around.

I can't turn my head off and I dont know what to do.