Good morning.

So, I don't have chronological memories from before age 14. I have vague memories that I don't have much context to. When I was 14, my stepdad sexually assaulted me. I know for sure that it happened.

I remember one instance when I was 12 where I was laying on my bed sobbing. I was afraid because I'd realized there was no way I could lay down and keep both my vagina and butt inaccessible. I could only position my legs to hide one. And I was afraid that during my sleep "the devil" would try and enter either of these.

I was extremely religious at the time (my whole family is/was) so I'm trying to figure out where this idea came from. I didn't learn about sex until I was 15/16. So why would 12 year old me be so terrified about being penetrated?? My stepdad was in my life at this time but I can't remember if he lived with us.

When I was 14/15, I also had dreams someone was touching me in my sleep.

When I was 20, my stepdad used to make comments towards me about my "d*ck sucking lips." And saying that he was the type of man who I was attracted too. I didn't realize anything was wrong with this until a friend of mine said she was deeply uncomfortable with it and said it was disturbing.

Unrelated to the above, but still while i was pubescent, I remember my dad bathing me and me being uncomfortable with it. I had breasts and pubes at the time and he still insisted on bathing me. I also remember him barging in on me several times while I was naked. He also had me do things like sit in his lap while he combed my hair, well beyond my needing help with it. Thinking back on spending time with my dad I just feel uncomfortable and a sense of dread.

I'm not in contact with either of these men (or anyone else in my family!). But I want to know if something happened to me that I don't remember. I also have Schizophrenia, and I wonder if these are just false memories? How do I find out for sure?

Thank you.