I have next to no sexual desire, and I hate it. I don't consider myself asexual because I like men, and could see myself enjoying moments of intimacy with someone and having a strong emotional partnership with them, but even if I was with the hottest guy in the world and I loved him, I still would never want to have sex with him. I know I'm afraid of intimacy and very insecure about myself, but I'm not sure if this lack of sexual desire comes from that/childhood experiences or if it's a physical/chemical abnormality. Is it possible that I just don't have the right chemicals/nerve endings down there to enjoy sex? I've had sex before and was in a relationship for a long time with someone, but I never once enjoyed the sex. I would always just hope for it to be over as fast as possible. I rarely enjoyed any form of intimacy with him. I think it was a combination of not being sexually attracted to this particular person and me being very insecure about parts of my body. (I'm terrified of anyone seeing my vagina lol)
In terms of childhood experiences, I was never abused in any way, but discussing sex/intimacy was always a taboo in my family. I thought of it as only something people did in the movies, and not in real life. I just wasn't well socialized in the world of romance and tried to avoid it at all costs. I would turn down any guy that ever asked me out, because I had no desire to engage intimately with them. I would always rather be alone, it was easier. I'm not sure if I'm just really picky about who I find attractive and I just need to wait until I find someone who I'm mentally and physically attracted to and the rest will come naturally, or if I really just have no sexual desire and minimal desire for intimacy. I really do want to find love and get married, but I'm afraid I'll never let myself find that or that I'll struggle with the intimacy/sexual aspect my whole life and just be a horrible wife/girlfriend. Please help/share similar feelings!