I was reading through some coping skills things. Most of it was the usual bland "take a walk," "get more sleep" stuff, but two of them kind of stuck out to me because of how hard I found them.

1. Write down a list of things you like about yourself

and

2. When you are feeling upset, try to think about a happy memory.

I realized that if I had to write a list of things I like about myself, I would not put down a single thing. I just don't like myself. I don't know. I'm kind of surprised and upset by that. It kinds of makes me feel like a total failure and really messed up that I can't even do a stupid coping skill.

And also, all my happy memories are POLLUTED with grief or sadness.

Maybe I'm in a particularly bad Depression Hole and can't see anything good right now, and maybe once I get on some meds to jumpstart my brain I will feel better and will be able to do it. But it eats at me that I don't like myself and that I don't have any truly happy memories right now.

On the other hand, I took the Sanity Score test six months ago when I joined and again this week, and both times scored 100 on self-esteem. So it might be more than just the Depression Hole.