I think you are at a point in your life where you need to spend time grieving whatever took place in your life that hurt you and took from the quality of life you deserved to have.

Complex PTSD is about one's history of perhaps several life traumas where they were hurt yet did not have the life experience to know how to deal with these challenges. From what I have read that you have shared, you were often very strong and even outgoing. You did make a big effort to grow and be strong in spite of challenges.

You faced a big trauma and these big traumas most definitely take time to grieve and come to a level where one finally finds their way towards developing a personal sense of peace.

Your journey at this point is to start to see the rainbow itself, never mind finding the end of it.