Obvious trigger warning. Most of this post could be potentially triggering. So turn back now.

I guess I mostly came here to express what is otherwise inexpressible for me. As I continue typing it feel impossible to actually say what I need to. Its like torture.

I just don't want to be here anymore. I dont understand the point in trying to be happy. The world is an awful place full of people lurking, waiting to grab your ankle and pull you back under. I give up trying to resurface. I'm in a perpetual state of drowning and nothing I do offers even the slightest relief. I can't breathe. I can't wake up. I can't run. I can't do anything to outlet this terrible tension running up my spine, grinding my teeth. I feel dark and inaccessible to anyone in the light. I'm so angry but I almost feel nothing. It's apathetic limbo. I'm only apathetic because I can't cope with everything else I feel.

Doesn't matter what I do, all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up.

It doesn't matter how many job applications I put in, how many resources I attempt to use, or how many sentimental things I have to sell, I will never have enough money to be comfortable. I can't afford food, or gas or bills let alone a small something nice for myself. This entire world is ****. I honestly do not understand how everyone just accepts and lives like this.
I don't think I'll survive the new year. I really don't.

I've been thinking about how I'm going to do it.... Hanging always seems too uncertain, guns are hard to get ahold of, pills/drugs are unreliable, so I'm thinking I'll take my old truck out for a drive. I've always been curious to see how fast it can go. I'll probably just race myself and when the thrill is gone, turn hard into a deep ditch. The truck doesn't have airbags anyway so I doubt I'd survive.

I just can't do this anymore. I cannot. I cannot accept the "new normal" and I refuse to suffer simply because my death with trouble others. Oh ****ing well. If they were so concerned about my life, maybe they'd help me out so I could get a couple groceries or something. I've expended more energy than I have, trying to just make things a little better and it never works.

I'm a failure. Failing is what I do. Maybe its time for me to finally fail at life.


(Oh and mom, if you somehow ever see this, I hate you. Don't think for a second that I died with any respect or care for you.)