So the past few months of my life have been bizarre with ups and downs and I’m just going to give all you a crash course that will probably end up making a 100 car pile-up on the interstate.

I’ve been suffering from serious depression since September and the reason that this isn’t in the depression section will make sense in a few minutes. It started with a minor incident that caused me to have an emotional breakdown. (And when I saw minor, I mean that the friend I who was there with me could barely remember the incident a week after.) Now, I get bad anxiety like that once every few months and it can last a few days. So when it happened in this case I thought it was normal.

But no. It came back just in another form. I started thinking bad things about myself. Like I’m immature or I’m a loser. Like I have nothing going for me. These bouts lasted once every few days as September moved into October. I mostly ignored it thinking the depression would go away but it got worse. It got to the point where I was thinking very unhealthy thoughts about ending it all (and no I’ve not had any such thoughts for a month now) and freaking my friends out to the point I decided I should just try to find a therapist despite being short on cash. I did and I got a counselor. I’ve gone to him once a week for a few weeks now. And what a remarkable improvement for me. Yes I have downs still but they’re way more manageable and I’ve stopped questioning if my life is worthless. I feel better. When I have a bad interaction with someone I don’t let it bring me down, even when I’m calling a crisisline and the LCSW on the other end of the line flat out tells my tear-stained face that I’m selfish and that I expect the world on a platter. No, no negativity for me.

So if my life is so great, WHY am I giving you a text wall in the emotional section of this forum?

Because my best friend is also experiencing depression on and off last year and this year. Currently she’s been feeling very depressed and even thinking unhealthy thoughts. And even though she’s been open to me in the past about how she’s feeling, she hid it from me and lied about it because she didn’t want to be a burden on me. I learned this after she told me our telephone conversations aren’t all that interesting, but keep in mind she just doesn’t like being on the phone in general.

But this really affected me and made me feel really ******. That’s when she finally confessed about her depression and really I’ve just felt numb for the next few hours. Why? I don’t freaking know. But I’m worried about her actually harming herself and I know she has no money to see a therapist so the best I could do is maybe suggest she try a crisisline? I don’t know. She says I sometimes help but I feel so useless and I especially feel useless now that I have a slightly better idea of what she’s going through.

It sucks having a depressed best friend especially when YOU’RE depressed. Anything you say to the other can be misinterpreted the wrong way. This friend likes me. She’s been on the hated telephone for two hours worrying about me once. She’s enjoyed being with me more than any of her friends. It’s so easy for me to take the slightest negative thing she says and then be sorry for myself, and it’s so easy to feel so concerned and useless at the same time.

That above paragraph was a bit of a run-on meltdown but that pretty much sums up just what the hell is going on. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to try to ensure other parts of my life are running smoothly. Sorry if this is in the wrong place but I’m really not sure where or what or who or how or why.

Oh, um, suggestions and observations are welcome. I’m open to criticism. Unless you’re a troll, but I haven’t seen any here so I don’t think any of you are. Yay.