Hi, everyone,

I have had two therapy sessions with my T, so far. The first one was very intense, as we were going through my past, and it was very difficult. There came a point in the session where I started feeling like I was falling backward inside of myself - the same feeling that you feel when you are on a roller coaster and you are going down the long drop. I felt that if I got too far from my face that I would disappear, so I struggled very hard to keep from falling too far, stopping the session for a minute and standing up until the feeling went away. The feeling never completely went away. The session ended and I don't remember driving home. I remember getting into my car, and pulling into the drive way, that's it. I don't remember what she asked or what I answered that triggered this, and I vaguely remember the rest of the session - I do remember clearly setting the next appointment, paying my copay and exiting.

The last session I had we were talking about getting married to my first husband. There is a lot of history in this that I really don't want to get into here - but an annulment was being thought about on my part. We did not consummate the marriage until I got home from the hospital. He got me drunk on burbon and coke - I didn't know what it was, as I had never had a mixed drink before. He told me it was 'spiced coke' I didn't know I was drunk until I tried to go to the bathroom and I couldn't stand up to get there. He then laughed and told me I was drunk, and told me what I had been drinking. I had just come home from the hospital (the remaining was NOT told to my therapist), and was told by my doc not to have sex for six weeks. I had an 8 hour abdominal surgery. We consumated the marriage that night, it was EXTREMELY painful, and I was terrified that I would break open the surgery and hemmorage and die. He said afterward, "it's consumated, now - you aren't going anywhere."

She said that she did not believe that I told him "no" until the marriage was consumated. She said that she didn't believe that I couldn't say 'no' to getting married in the first place, but could say no to having sex.

I don't know if I said no or not. I don't remember anything from seeing my ex boyfriend for the last time and him suggesting I get an annulement to being in the hospital. It is obvious to me that I didn't get the annulement. I remember thinking when I was talking to my ex boyfriend that I couldn't get an annulement as I was Catholic, and once married always married. I can't fill in any other holes that that. I remember feeling safe in the hospital. I don't know if it was me that said no, or my ex husband that said no (I seriously doubt he did, considering what happened after I got home from the hospital.) I don't know if it was something else . . .or what it was. I just don't know.

I didn't tell her that, though. I just kept trying to remember, and couldn't. I just kept telling her what I did remember. I didn't clarify anything. Like I was compulsed just to go over and over again what I did remember. And she just went over and over again how I could say no to sex, but couldn't say no to the marriage.

The next couple of days I felt very weird. When I was young I felt like I was turning into a boy. (I was seventeen) - I stopped eating in order to make sure my muscle mass didn't change. (Ha, the first anorexic that didn't care whether she was fat or not!! LOL!!) - I wasn't afraid of turning into a male sexually - just physically. There wasn't a sexual compenent infolved. The few days after the session I felt like I was changing into my mother. I fully expected to look in the mirror and see her instead of me. Or look at my hands and see her hands instead of mine. It was such a strange feeling. It went away though, and I no longer feel like that. I do remember driving home, and remember the session, though.

I am afraid to tell my T that I don't know whether I said yes or no or anything inbetween. I don't know if my "no" kept him at bay or if there was something else that happened. I just don't know. I don't remember anything about it. There are many times that I do not clarify things to people that need clarification, because often my motives are not believed and therefore the clarification is not believed. I need to clarify this to her, but I'm afraid that the same thing will happen. Right now it seems safer to let the lying dog lay - and leave it alone. Let her believe what she wants to believe. Ugh. . .but that doesn't help me get anywhere with myself, does it?

I need help with this - does anyone have anything to offer?

Thanks,
Beth