Like it says on the tin.
My counselor is considering it, or seemed to be, but now I'm wondering if that's a dodge or fake-out, to keep me from being upset. IF they're just dismissing my strong certainty, research, and gut deep knowledge/feeling that all the things that aren't explained by my Bipolar and PTSD, are coverd by the BPD explanation. That I may not be a doctor, but when I can easily note that I have NINE OF NINE criteria the DSM-5 lists as being symptoms, and only FIVE are required for diagnosis, that I think it's safe to say I'm not malingering or a victim of half-assed Munchausen's Syndrome.
I don't follow my feelings often, but this one is too gut- and bone-deep to ignore. And it's backed up by RESEARCH. This hypothesis is based on things I've read and learned, recent though those readings and learnings are. The clinical stuff, such as DSM-5 criteria, is met. The articles I've read by both doctors and lay-folk has broadened and deepened that understanding. The anecdotal videos and blogs I've been following only cement all of that. I feel these people's pain. Not because I'm so empathetic--I'm really not. I've got a heart of freakin' stone, some days and find myself faking empathy just to a) get along and b) not hurt feelings by making other people's problems about my lack of fellow-feeling--but because I feel the same way. The only place I don't identify as much is the bingeing: I hate gambling, don't drive fast because I have severe driving phobias, don't usually overspend, since I'm broke. Though I do have a tendency to overeat. But I have a very addictive personality. Which is why I don't drink/use drugs recreationally very often. (And even then, only the so-called Gateway drugs. But not much in the past few years.)
So, I'm feeling very disregarded and discounted by my NP, who says I'm not manipulative and don't seem like I have BPD at all. I wanted to scream at her: "*****, you don't know me like that!" Because she doesn't. She sees what I show her: the pleasant, neutral facade. The charming, funny, quirky, upbeat scatter-brained idiot that I pretend to be to get along and not rock the boat. To draw people in on the rare occasion that I exert myself to make acquaintances. And that's what she is. A professional acquaintance. She doesn't really know me at all, even after several years. I'm not who she sees and even with me telling her that flat-out, she doesn't get it. Is tone-deaf to who I am. She's not seeing or hearing the real me, whether it's got BPD or not. And that pisses me off. I just got done having nightmares about it.
"You're just not manipulative."
Right. What've I been doing to her for the past four years? She thinks I'm a nice and kind and wonderful person. And I'm really, really not. The very definition of a successfully manipulative person is the one you can't tell is manipulating you! I'm not saying that in a slamming-myself way, but in an honest and direct knowledge-of-myself way. So please, don't anyone--out of kindness--reply telling me that I'm probably a very nice and awesome person. I'm not really any of those things, except as pretense, mask, cover, and occasionally by accident. I have no real center of self or hard lines. I am whatever I have to be to whomever I have to be it to. I'm all things to everyone except myself.
And now, paranoia has me certain that my counselor is just shining me on. Keeping me pliant and docile by agreeing that I could "possibly" have BPD. I dunno what to think anymore, other than that I'm being reverse-gaslighted: they're trying to make me think I'm saner than I am for their own reasons. And I don't like it.
But I don't know what to do. I do, however, and have for the past twenty years, taken to heart something I once heard: "If someone tells you who they are . . . believe them."
And it was regarding someone who'd admitted to being mentally unstable to a friend who didn't, out of kindness and loyalty, probably, accept that. That may be what my NP is doing, but it's not helping me. It is, in fact, hurting. I'm so angry I could spit and the small trust and faith I'd put in her ha completely shattered.
Sorry for the long-*** ramble, but thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated.