The past is horrible. It was as horrible as it gets. I had sunshine there with Jane, she came and loved me and somehow got me out of that box where I let no one in. She got in. She was the opposite of all that I was taught. She accepted me, whatever she was getting at the time. I got to feel a sense of connection and love. Over the years there have always been questions, certainly more as I have become older. Where do I fit in her life? How do we continue a relationship long distance when she is emerged in everything around her? We spoke of her spouse at times. Regardless, she loved him and he was a priority in her life. I feel so totally blown out of the water by his cruelty to me. I feel like I can't understand what is real about my history with Jane. It is making the bad things seem very present. The nightmares are a bit over the top. She was there but how? How real is that now? What does it mean for now? Why am I searching for family ties now that she is gone? I honestly don't feel I want family ties-yet I have been speaking with my sibs some as of late. It is very one sided as they chose to believe nothing happened, or little happened. That coupled with the fact that my female parent chose me as her special torture experiement. Jane was my first hug, Jane was my first kiss on the forehead. Jane was my friend, I thought. And I have no one who knew her to process this with. Anyway all, thanks for your caring and understanding.