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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25
The depression. It's coming on slow and it's not constant but it's there and it's getting worse. I can't handle this this year. I can't take time off work. It's a new job and also I don't get paid for disability because I'm in the union but the union's disability insurance doesn't include pre-existing conditions so i'm ****ed.
i can't do this. I can't do ECT again. I just can't. I can't do this ******** again.
I think I'm panicking. What's happening is that I'm getting depressed severely depressed Sunday, spending monday-wednesday moderately depressed, and then I'm ok for the rest of the week/beginning of the weekend. I don't understand it. But it's been happening every week in November/December and now it's getting worse every sunday.
Do you think drinking alcohol has something to do with it? I've been getting drunk every weekend for months now. I think I have a little bit of an alcohol problem. I'm not an alcoholic I don't think, but I'm having trouble not drinking on Friday nights. and i drink alone. This weekend it was two bottles of wine to myself and by myself on Friday night. Then I was mildly depressed Saturday and drank again with my sister in law. I'm not drinking to escape depression, I'm just so lonely and bored...maybe I am drinking to escape. I think I need to stop. I don't know if it can contribute to depression. I've never drank this often before in my life. I was a once-a-month kind of drinker. Even when I was in my early twenties. I don't know.
I saw my pdoc and she allowed me (very reluctantly i might add) to increase my Emsam to every day instead of every other day. I'm not sure how long Emsam takes to work. I've only been doing it every day for five days.
I hope it works. I'm sorry this post is a little incoherent, my brain is mush and i just submitted sub-par work for my online class because I just can't handle the projects anymore. I only have one week left of class and I just need to pass with an 80. I hope I do because I can't handle doing this class over again. I know my final project is going to be crappy but I hope it's at least PASSING crappy.
I hate depression. I try so hard and it just...always comes back to get me. But hopefully the increase AD will help.
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Wildflower Child I so feel your pain. I am a teacher, or I was, and I can so relate with the Weekly pattern of your depression and anxiety. I endured it for nine years and had one suicide attempt and two breakdowns. I tried, I tried, I tried. I was on medication, saw a psychiatrist and several different therapists, but I just couldn't bear the overwhelming anxiety and depression any longer. I felt inferior and incompetent around my peers. As a HS special Ed teacher I had to co-teach with regular ed teachers. It was tremendously stressful trying to establish an equitable teaching relationship in their classroom. Just writing about it gives me a stomach ache lol. Writing IEPs and conducting IEP meetings required me to fake fake fake professional confidence because I never never never really ever felt it. The only time I felt the spark of surety that I was in the right profession was when I was working with my students. Occasional sparks overwhelmed by the daily black clouds of anxiety and depression was just not worth the toll it was taking on my mental and physical health.
Two years later, I am still dealing with the loss of my professional identity and a strong sense of personal failure, but I am NO LONGER tied up in knots. You might want to consider medical retirement if you have paid into your state's retirement system. I wish I had before I quit as I am not qualified for social security disability because I hadn't paid into social security for over 12 years. I did not advocate well for myself which has been a strong part of that failure I feel. But.. it is what it is, and I am having to learn to live with that, to accept it, so I can move on. I am 54 years old and starting over, but I am getting good support through the county mental health system. Because I have no insurance and a low enough income, the services are free. I am also involved in NAMI which is another source of good support. Vocational Rehabiliation is the next step I will take.
Quitting teaching was the right decision for me. It was traumatic and scary as hell and I had to make some pretty huge lifestyle/economic changes, but I have survived it. I got out alive and with my health still fairly intact. I am wishing you the best of luck through your journey. Hugs Hugs Hugs. You are not alone in this.